Present Perfect September/October 2009
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"Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day"
Friedrich Nietzsche
IN THIS ISSUE
- Dear Present Perfect readers: Do Less or Do More?
- Assessing the problem
- A Study in August: the three Ss
- Or four: how Soft are your features?
- Or five: knowing when to Stop
- Food for Thought: On early rising
DO LESS OR DO MORE?
Dear Present Perfect readers,
All was going swimmingly one day recently, until I decided to check my emails. A troubling message showed up in my Inbox, personal not work. It was to do with my parents' house which we are renting out to help pay for their care. The rental agent told me a neighbour wanted my contact details to discuss doing some shared work on the houses.
I noted my reaction. Disaster scenarios immediately loomed: was there a problem with the house? Would this neighbour put a lot of pressure? Would it be expensive, and hadn't this renting business proved more costly than profitable anyway? Had it all been a mistake? Should we have sold instead? Here was a note saying someone wanted my contact details and I was already building a whole soap opera of 'what ifs' and self-doubt that went far beyond the actual message!
Reflecting later on how we react to the daily problems life throws in our path, I reckoned my reaction, in this case, was towards one end of a scale that goes from Ignore (the head-in-the-sand approach to problems) to Obsess (the 'drop everything else and focus on this problem alone' approach). This scale shows up starkly in the face of financial pressures. Where the head-in-the-sanders don't even open the envelopes containing the demands for payment, the obsessors will have sold the family heirlooms long before their creditors have even thought about knocking on their door.
Do More vs Do Less
Those of us towards the Obsessive end of the scale like to take action. We dread living with uncertainty. By doing something, we feel we can lessen the uncertainty and get back in control. The Obsessive 'Do More' side of me, therefore, wanted to get straight in touch with this neighbour to find out what they had in mind.
At the same time I saw that this was probably more of a 'Do Less' situation. Leaping into action could give the wrong signals. We had already spent a lot of money on the house, had done all the work we felt was necessary, and certainly didn't want to do more. Thus a slow, cautious approach to whatever proposal might be forthcoming would be a better starting point. Do less not more. Take time even before giving the agent permission to give the neighbour our contact details.
So here I was, a Do More person in Do Less situation. Not comfortable, but, as it turned out, the right way to go. I was aware too that had I been nearer the Ignore end of the scale, I'd have taken a Do Less approach without even thinking about it. But then, of course, Do Less people have their challenges too, particularly in painful situations that demand urgent attention, such as debts to be faced, or relationships to be mended. For them, the challenge is to pull their heads out of the sand, face the fact that there is a problem and take the first step towards action.
There is no better or worse here. We're all somewhere on the Ignore/Obsess Problem Dealing Scale. Where do you tend to sit? If you're nearer the Do Less end, how do you respond when urgent problems arise? How far do you recognise the need to Do More? If you're nearer the Do More end, how far do you recognise situations where action can be counter-productive and a Do Less approach is best?
With best wishes for a month of doing things differently
Chris Carling
ASSESSING THE PROBLEM
When this troublesome email arrived I was packing for a training weekend and so didn't have much time. Here was another situation in which Do Less would have been a better approach. As a Do More person I felt impelled to check my emails at the last minute 'just in case' there was something vital. But when this worrying email appeared, I felt annoyed that I couldn't get on with my packing with a quiet mind!
As it was, all this disaster thinking, and calling into question all the decisions we'd made on my parents' house was definitely getting in the way of a smooth exit. I need a strategy for getting rid of this mind talk, I thought as I cleaned my teeth. OK: how serious a problem is this? I built a quick scale in my mind. One to Five. Five: Total catastrophe/dire emergency. Four: Minor emergency. Three: Needs dealing with soon. Two: Minor problem. One: Possible problem.
This problem I was obsessing about was so obviously a One (not even a problem at all, just something that could possibly turn into one), that I felt embarrassed by my over-reaction. Even though no-one else could see me. My unquiet mind quietened and I got away to the station in time.
A STUDY IN AUGUST: THE THREE Ss
Another reason my strategy worked was that I was already mellow(ish). It was August and August is a holiday month. Even when we're not on holiday ourselves, other people are, so things are quieter with more time to mull.
I'd been wondering if I was living as I wanted to live, and an answer came to me in the shower: the 3 Ss (or rather the words came and I realised they all began with S). The first was Slow. But not Slow as in meander through the world. I walk quickly and get impatient stuck behind dawdlers; I didn't want to walk more slowly. I do chores quickly and didn't want to slow down and have them take even longer. So what was this Slow that came to the top of the list of what I wanted more of in my life?
What I wanted, I came to see, was to Slow Down long enough to catch myself on automatic pilot, doing one thing with my mind on to the next. Slow Down long enough to reflect. Reflection time to the psyche is like food to the body: an essential nourishment, contaminated by being constantly busy-busy. I know this but don't always Slow Down enough to heed what I know.
Then came Silent, the second S. Not to live in silence but rather to silence, or at least quieten, the busyness of my head. Move towards the centre of the Ignore/Obsess, the Do Less/Do More scale. Be better at living with uncertainty.
And finally the third S, Savour: the point of the first and second Ss is to allow more the of the third, more Savouring of the colours, tastes and textures of the world.
If I were a 'Do Less' person I might not need reminding that fewer experiences can mean deeper experiences, that emptying the mind allows space for creative thought, that we can try too hard and that easing off is a necessary balance. The Roman poet Horace summed it up in his intriguing line 'Festina lente' 'Hurry slowly', a powerful oxymoron for life.
All this of course was easier in August when it felt like a holiday month. How easy, I wonder, is it going to be to live according to the 3Ss in September?
OR FOUR: HOW SOFT ARE YOUR FEATURES?
Once I'd got into my 3 Ss, I kept finding more!
In one of my yoga classes we stand on our heads for five minutes. 'Soften your palms', the teacher says as we balance there, 'soften your facial features'. It's good advice when you're on your head as you learn to relax more into the position, to feel some lightness rather than scrunching up your face with concentration. And it's good advice too when you're the right way up.
Through regular yoga I've learnt to open my clavicles and keep my shoulders away from my ears. So my shoulders are hunched less often than they were. But my default jaw position still seems to be clenched, and this where my fourth S: Soften, comes in.
Remembering to Soften my facial features is helping, very slowly, reset my default jaw position from clenched to relaxed. I have to keep aware and catch myself clenching when I don't need to. But the pay off is coming bit by bit in the form of greater mental lightness and softer focus: focus, that is, without (or with less) tension.
OR FIVE: KNOWING WHEN TO STOP
And finally, the S especially for busy-busy people is Knowing When to Stop. Recognising the need for a break. Knowing what will allow you to relax for a short while between activities rather than constantly moving from one thing straight on to the next.
People who Don't Know When to Stop are often unaware of their predicament. Being busy is a positive value in our society. To get some idea where you stand, try these questions: You've been busy and suddenly have some spare time, is your natural tendency to try and squeeze something else in rather than take a break? If you do stop, do you cast around for something to do, feeling you must have something to read at least, something to distract from the possible 'wasted time' that may be forced upon you? If you recognise yourself here then it's possible that Knowing When to Stop doesn't come naturally to you.
The antidote is to do what needs to be done for a time, then Decide to Stop. Just like that. Make a conscious decision to take a break from busying. Decide not to do anything. Other than reflect, recharge and be open to what happens!
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
ON EARLY RISING
For those of us with a Puritan heritage, lazing in bed is associated with the vice of Sloth. We feel we 'should' be getting up early even if we don't always manage it. Editor of The Idler, Tom Hopkinson, wrote recently (extract in Guardian magazine from forthcoming book: 'How to be Idle') on the subject of early rising: 'It is a sad fact that from early childhood we are tyrannised by the moral myth that it is right, proper and good to leap out of bed the moment we wake in order to set about some useful work as quickly and cheerfully as possible. Parents begin the brain washing process and then school works yet harder to indoctrinate its charges with the necessity of early rising.'
And I have long loved Theodore Roethke's take on waking (in his poem: The Waking):
'I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.'
I hear my being dance from ear to ear!! What could be more joyful.
PRESENT PERFECT: PASS IT ON
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