Present Perfect January/February 2010

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"I know what I have given you. I do not know what you have received."

Antonio Porchia

IN THIS ISSUE

Dear Present Perfect readers: How can you not take a risk?
Different domains, different fears
Feet on the ground
Is it really impossible?
Food for Thought: Joy and sorrow

HOW CAN YOU NOT TAKE A RISK?

Dear Present Perfect readers,

When I go from my house into town, I cross a footbridge over the River Cam. On one side the bridge is level with the pavement but at the other end is a slope taking you down to the river bank. There are 'No Cycling' notices on the bridge which I usually obey until, that is, I get as far as the slope. If there aren't too many pedestrians walking up, I get on my bike and freewheel down. A very tiny thrill.

One day recently I was on foot, walking back home up the slope of the bridge and happened to meet two cyclists, a young couple coming the other way. He freewheeled straight down the slope but she held back. 'How could you ride down there?' she called to him as she followed nervously, on her bike but keeping her toes on the ground, half riding, half tiptoeing. 'How could you not?' he called back.

My first thought was that their 'How could you/how could you not?' was a perfect illustration of two people with diametrically opposed attitudes to risk. Where he was a Risk Seeker ('how could you not seize that opportunity for a thrill, however tiny?'), she was more of a Risk Avoider ('if I keep my feet on the ground, I'll stay in control'). Two different motivations: he drawn to the reward of a momentary thrill, she drawn to the reward of staying in control. Different motivations but equally strong.

I began to play with the idea of a Scale of Risk, 1 to 10, with 1 being Extreme Risk Avoider and 10 Extreme Risk Seeker. If we know roughly where we are on the scale, or even if we are simply aware whether we tend to be more of a Risk Seeker or a Risk Avoider, there can be significant advantages. First gain may be flexibility as we realise we don't always have to follow the same behaviour pattern: we can choose to be more cautious, or more willing to venture into the unknown, if the situation demands. Second gain, and perhaps more important: we may enter into better partnerships in our projects both personal and business.

If we tend towards the Risk Seeking end of the scale, then it can make a big difference whether we team up with a Risk Avoider or another Risk Seeker. If 'leap of faith' boldness is required, then another Risk Seeker may be the best choice. If your project is crying out for a dose of sensible realism, teaming up with a Risk Avoider may be preferable.

Where are you on the scale? Where on the scale would you assess other important people in your life to be? Your partner in life, your boss, staff, colleagues? What difference will it make to know? How could it affect your partnerships?

A Very Happy New Year open to new awareness in all areas of your life

Chris Carling

DIFFERENT DOMAINS, DIFFERENT FEARS

But then I thought again about the young couple on the bridge. Though my first thought was here's a very simple illustration of Risk Seeking/Risk Avoiding behaviour, my next thought was, hold on, I'm on his side, I ride down that slope regularly, but that's not because I'm a Risk Seeker. On the contrary, I'd put myself more towards the Risk Avoiding end of the scale. I ride down there because it's perfectly safe. There is no risk.

And yet, to her, there was. 'How could you ride down there?' the girl had said, keeping her feet resolutely on the ground.

This was a different reminder, a reminder that we all have different fears. What feels risky to you may not feel risky to me. I am likely therefore to underestimate your fears, just as you may underestimate mine. People comfortable with giving presentations, for instance, can be genuinely baffled by colleagues in whom public speaking strikes terror. The son of a friend finds flying through turbulence exciting, a bit like being on a roller coaster; I guess he'd underestimate just how fearful flying through persistent turbulence makes me feel.

It then occurred to me that rather than tending towards Risk Seeking or Risk Avoiding in general, we might score differently in different domains. Some physical Risk Seekers might prove to be emotional Risk Avoiders. A climber, for instance, might seek the thrill of mastering a sheer-looking rock face yet tread on eggshells around his mother for fear of risking her tears or tantrums.

The deeper question might therefore be: in which domains are you more of a Risk Seeker and in which more of a Risk Avoider? And the important people in your life? How do they score in different domains?

FEET ON THE GROUND

There's a further factor too: when we seek risk or play safe, what are we basing our assessments on? Is it more often on feelings than facts, particularly for Risk Avoiders? Take the physical domain: Risk Seekers who practise hazardous sports often do have a realistic idea of the risks they are taking since for them risk is an integral part of the experience. But for Avoiders activities can feel risky even if the evidence points to little chance of mishap.

I doubt if any cyclists have come to harm freewheeling down from our bridge, for instance. Yet the girl I watched keeping her feet on the ground clearly felt letting go was risky. Safety records show that flying in a commercial airliner is one of the safest modes of transport, yet millions are afraid of flying: to them it 'feels risky' in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.

Risk Avoiders generally want to remain in control whatever the domain. Consequently any activity that threatens their sense of being in control can 'feel risky' even if the chance of mishap is small. If you recognise this attitude in yourself, then you may be aware that you like to have your feet on the ground. Metaphorically, so you can spot potential problems, or people not doing things the way you feel they ought to be done. And literally too: people who need control are often particularly averse to activities that take their feet too far off the ground, such as bungee jumping or parachute jumping (though a minority do fight their fears by actively choosing to do what terrifies them).

Of course, many people live perfectly satisfactory lives adopting a 'feet on the ground' approach in which keeping in control is a major motivator. They pay a price though: try to keep control at all times and most of your energy will go into maintaining the status quo, keeping things manageable as they are. The powerful life skill you don't develop is to learn how to fall.

Lessons from the ice

In my hill walking days when I was more timid I'd descend steep scree slopes in a 'feet on the ground' manner, except I'd be on my bottom rather than my feet, trying to keep safely in control by keeping close to the ground. I got down the scree slopes, but laboriously.

As I got bolder I learnt to slip and slide, to go with the sliding rocks of the mountainside rather than trying to resist them. To let go, not hold back, when I felt my feet slipping. And that way I learnt to zigzag lightly down the mountain, to get down quickly. More sure-footed by allowing myself to slip and slide just enough than if I'd tried to hang on to control.

The same skills have come in handy during the recent cold snap in the UK when we've all had to negotiate icy pavements and roads. Try to keep control and you're liable to keep your body too rigid. Keep going, slip and slide just enough, dance with the ice, and, paradoxically, you're less likely to fall.

Learning how to fall is really learning not to be afraid of falling, learning to teeter and recover, letting your body do what it needs to do without your fear holding it back. That's 'learning how to fall' in the physical domain. And in the rest of life, it's not sticking with the familiar, trying out not just new activities but new ways of behaving. Playing with being more assertive maybe. Or less assertive if your way of staying in control is to steamroller others. Revising your view of what's possible.

IS IT REALLY IMPOSSIBLE?

On the subject of what's possible, my yoga teacher gave me a calendar of quotes from Yogi Bhajan, a Sikh guru who is said to have brought Kundalini yoga to the West. Though I'm not a follower I found he often made me think. 'I do not believe there is anything impossible' one of the quotes began and to start with I was ready to disagree, but then he added: 'I feel that when you do not see your strength, your pride and your soul and you do not want to deal with something, you call it impossible.'

It was this last phrase that spoke to me, confirming what at some level I well knew: when we don't want to deal with something, we call it impossible. That's our get-out clause, so we don't have to deal with the fact that we don't want to deal with whatever it is.

I remember a woman telling me that it was 'impossible' for she and her husband to discuss difficulties in their marriage because he couldn't stand conflict. Calling such conversations impossible allowed her not to deal with the problem.

Of course some things are impossible, whatever Yogi Bhajan may say. But many others are just difficult, or we're afraid of them, or we just don't want to.

What are you calling impossible? Is it really as impossible as you tell yourself?

PS: Wing-walking at 90

As I was writing this, coincidentally a friend sent me a link to a New York Times article: 'Seeing old age as a never-ending adventure'. You might well think it impossible for an 89 year old to wing-walk across the English Channel but retired builder Tom Lackey did it last summer, his 20^th wing-walk since he took up the sport on the death of his wife when he was a mere 79!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

JOY AND SORROW

From Tolstoy's 'War and Peace':

'Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy.'

Definitely food for thought!

PRESENT PERFECT: PASS IT ON

If you enjoy this issue of Present Perfect, pass it on to a colleague, friend or family member and encourage them to subscribe from my website. If you have any questions or feedback on any of the ideas or views expressed here, do drop me an email.